


weight.

by killyouraesthetic



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: ALL OF IT, AND TYLER DOESNT KNOW HOW TO HELP, Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, But it's not descriptive, Don't Read If Easily Triggered, Eating Disorders, Gen, I DONT WANT TO SPOIL THIS BUT I HAVE TO TAG EVERYHING, Josh is Sad, Panic Attack, Passing Out, Self Harm, Suicide, THIS IS VERY SAD I CRIED WHILE WRITING IT, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, all angst, also josh and Tyler are still in the ban but it's not a big part of the story, feeling pressured to be perfect, im sorry, its kinda just like 'I was having a panic attack', its not very graphic but I'm tagging it as graphic because it could be triggering, not feeling good enough, ok but this is garbage I'm supposed to be sleeping right now, please shoot me, please yell at me if I forget to tag anything, self hatred, why do I write sad shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 19:34:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7520428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killyouraesthetic/pseuds/killyouraesthetic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>josh has always hated numbers, and his weight was no different.</p>
            </blockquote>





	weight.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, please kill me *lower cases intended throughout chapter*

josh had not stepped on a set of scales in years, and that was the way he liked it. to him, there was nothing worse than his body, his pudgy stomach and flabby thighs. he had always hated numbers, and his weight was no different.

josh went through diets like he did drumsticks. he lost weight, and gained some, and then lost some more. his diets soon became one meal a day, and then that meal turned into a muesli bar and eventually that muesli bar turned into nothing at all.

as he ate less, he drummed more, went on more runs and went to the gym more. josh was dropping pounds like flys, and for once in his life, he felt confident in his body.

that didn't last very long.

him and tyler were playing a small venue that night, and mirrors lined the back walls. he tried to avoid looking at his reflection, but when he had to look up for certain parts of the songs, he almost vomited.

what he saw was disgusting, and he couldn't believe he'd ever gone out in public looking like he did. he was crying, and when fans tweeted to him about it, he blamed it on some sweat that got in his eyes.

josh had his first meal in almost three weeks at Taco Bell with tyler. it was a suggestion made by the concerned man when joshs stomach rumbled a bit too loudly after a show one night. he didn't want to worry tyler any more than he was, so he got in the car with him and they headed to the nearest Taco Bell.

josh told himself he would only have a burrito, but the burrito turned into several tacos and other various food items from the fast food chain. he was surrounded by foil wrappers and all he could think about was the weight he was gaining right now. 

he felt absolutely disgusting, and rushed to the bathroom as soon as they got home. he vomited up the contents of his stomach and when tyler knocked on the door asking if he was alright, he blamed it on food poisoning, unable to tell his best friend the truth.

it was a few weeks later when josh was practicing for the show later that night when he found he had no energy to continue after only 10 minutes of playing. he denied the fact that it was because he hadn't eaten in almost 2 weeks since the Taco Bell incident.

when josh almost passed out during the sound check, he should of taken it as a warning sign to eat. he instead had a nap, telling the crew that he had a late night. (it was true, except for the fact that instead of practicing drums or on social media, he was in the bathroom retching into the toilet, unable to puke anything up)

at the show that night, josh fell into the crowd while trying to get onto the platform for trees. the fans began to crowd around him, touching him and not letting him breath. security was trying to pull him out, but he yanked away from their grip, trying to get away from everyone. he was having a panic attack when he blacked out, landing in several fans arms. they lifted him out of the pit, handing him to the guards where he was carried to the ambulance waiting for him outside.

when josh woke up, he was in the hospital being fed by a drip.

that was the last straw for tyler, who knew something was going on but didn't know how to help. the broken body of his best friend laying in a hospital bed threw him into a frenzy, and he booked councillors, therapists and anything he thought would be able to help josh. he and jenna were constantly by his side, updating the fans on his status (they didn't tell them the real reason why josh was in hospital). they cancelled the rest of the tour, saying that josh was very sick and needed time to recover. so now they had 5 months free time, where they prayed that josh would be able to become healthy again.

when josh was released from hospital, the first thing he did was try to vomit up what the hospital had fed him. this time, he had the shower running behind him so tyler didn't get suspicious.

he didn't know why he was so desperate to be thin, to be perfect, but his brain yelled at him to do it for the fans, who had expectations of him to be perfect.

he was being constantly watched by tyler and jenna, who gave him food every time they heard his stomach growl. they started tweeting stuff like 'what have you eaten today josh?' and the fans quickly caught on. jenna was forcing him to write down what he ate every day, kind of like a diary.

this just made josh feel worse about his weight, reading the fans tweets about his eating habits, and reading what he ate that day just reminded him about how fat he really was.

tyler and jenna really didn't know why josh didn't seem to be gaining any weight, but they just decided that it was because he played his drums so much. he was burning off the calories as soon as he ate them, they guessed. but tyler was definitely not convinced.

tyler walked in on josh while he was shoving a finger down his throat. he practically tackled josh, holding down his hands and sadly watching as josh cried. he let go of his hands to call jenna before he was holding joshs hands by the wrists again, not trusting josh to not do anything stupid. jenna was there within minutes, quickly finding them in the bathroom. she didn't have to be told why josh wasn't gaining any weight.

ever since then, tyler was practically attached to josh, always looking over him. josh didn't enter the bathroom without tyler standing by the door, and he was with him at every meal. josh was surprised tyler didn't sleep in the same bed as him (tyler had thought about that on several occasions, but would never admit this out loud.)

the fans had stopped #eatsomethingjosh after he expressed his discomfort, but even though there wasn't anymore verbal pressure, he could still tell that people were telling him that he needed to be perfect. and in his eyes, being perfect was losing weight and being skinny.

the only way josh could lose weight now was by excessively exercising, but tyler had told him that he was only allowed 10 minutes exercise a day until he gained 10 kilograms. so that's what he did. he ate 2 full meals every day, and practiced his drums after dinner. he slowly started to look less like a ghost and more like a healthy human. josh hated it, but he persevered, knowing that after he gained tylers trust he could burn off all that fat.

tyler thought that josh was getting better, but he was actually getting worse. instead of vomiting up his pain, he found that pinching the skin on his arm had almost the same effect. (he only pinched his tattooed arm, where he knew the bruises wouldn't be visible)

he went to therapy sessions, pretended to understand why not eating anything was bad, and continued to feel like shit.

a few months later, after he had gained the 10 kilos that tyler wanted, he looked in the mirror and decided that enough was enough. no matter how hard he exercised, how often he skipped meals, his weight just wouldn't budge. (hes been checking his weight 2 times every day for 2 months now, he would know) 

by now, tyler had loosened his grip on josh and he could now go places without tyler training behind him, so he decided to go for a walk. to end his pathetic failure of a life. he yelled out a lie about going to go pick up some groceries and headed towards the pharmacy where he bought 2 bottles of over the counter pain meds. he walked down to the empty park across the road, briefly thinking about running into to traffic, and sat down on the middle of the oval. he pulled out a small flask from his jacket and called tyler, knowing that he would answer. 

while it was ringing he downed both the bottles, washing it down with the contents of the flask and waited until tyler answered to lay down.

"hey josh, what's up?"

everything, josh thought. "nothing, I'm just at the store. do you want me to pick something up for you?" he asked, his body slowly going numb.

"i actually don't need anything right now, thanks for asking though. I'll see you when you get home?"

"yeah, love you ty." josh said, muffling tears as his vision started to fade.

"I love you too josh, bye." tyler said cheerfully before he hung up.

josh let out a his last breath, and thought about how now he was finally free.

~~~

tyler was just about to head out to find josh when he got a phone call. tyler knew it was the hospital as soon as he picked up, just by the sound of sadness in the voice of the caller.

"hi is this tyler joseph?" the voice asked, even though they obviously knew it was him.

"yeah? why are you calling me?" he asked shakily, the sinking feeling in his gut telling him he already knew.

"we found your friend josh." tyler knew then that josh was dead.

"is he okay?" he asked, though he knew the answer to that question. there was tears brimming in his eyes. 

"over dose on over the counter pills, he died almost as soon as he took them. we're so sorry tyler" the woman said, obviously crying as well.

he screamed and fell to the ground, curling into the fetal position, whispering no over and over until his voice was hoarse.

jenna found him like that when she came back from work, asleep with dried tears running down his cheeks, his phone still next to his ear. she carried tyler to bed and covered him in blankets before grabbing tylers phone and called the number that has called tylers phone last.

jenna cried so much that she had no more tears left.

~~~

tyler decided that josh should be cremated. he always hated the finality of a funeral, the way everyone watched with silent tears as the coffin was lowered into the ground and covered in soil.

so josh was cremated, and his ashes were put into a beautiful urn that a fan had made. it had swirls of blue and red and green and orange and pink and had a drum set painted so intricately on the lid that tyler was convinced that they printed a photo and glued it on there. (tyler smashed the ugly brown one that the funeral home sent him, such an amazing person didn't deserve something so plain and boring)

tyler, jenna and joshs parents all decided on spreading his ashes in the forest near where he grew up, at the roots of the tree where he and tyler carved their names into when they visited for Christmas a few year back.

it was a bright sunny day the day they all drove over to the forest to spread his ashes, just like the day he died. tyler would of started crying, but he already was.

as he watched josh being swept away by the breeze, he smiled. it was out of place for such a sad setting, but he knew that this is what josh would of wanted. he turned away from the tree and faced Jenna, pulling her in for a quick kiss and giving her a tight hug.

even though josh was gone, everything was going to be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> I made at least 5 of my friends cry with this and also myself I'm so sorry yell at me in the comments and tell me if I forgot to tag anything


End file.
